


Just Desserts

by Barb Cummings (Rahirah)



Series: The Barbverse [62]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: F/M, Food, Friendship, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-11-21
Updated: 2009-11-21
Packaged: 2017-10-03 12:07:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rahirah/pseuds/Barb%20Cummings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Xander Harris for the defense, ladies and gentlemen.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Just Desserts

**Author's Note:**

> This story is set in the same universe as _A Raising in the Sun_, _Necessary Evils_, et. al. (See the [Barbverse Timeline](http://sleepingjaguars.com/buffy/viewpage.php?page=timeline) for specifics.) It contains spoilers for previous works in the series. Promptfic for Evenstar_estel, who wanted cupcakes.

OK, there's this popular delusion out there that Spike is a wee slender delicate slip of a man...vampire...whatever... and I by golly am here to debunk it. First off, five foot eight is not that goddamn short. It's only two inches shorter than I am, and I'm only an inch or two shy of six feet, so when you think about it, Spike is practically six feet tall. Second off - is that even a thing? Second off? never mind - Spike is not skinny, either. Sure, Spike has _been_ skinny, since unlike the braves of Clan Harris, whose motto is "When the going gets tough, go for the doughnuts," Spike has this poetical Victorian idea that when you're moping about something, food and sleep become secondary considerations, unimportant to any but the coarsest of mortals. But in case you haven't noticed, it's been a good long while since Spike had much to mope about, and the fiend eats like a damn linebacker and works out like a...a fiend, and sure he probably burns four thousand calories a day on the fidgeting alone, but while 'compact' and 'well-muscled' still apply, 'skinny' does not, and _you_ try hauling a hundred and seventy pounds of dead drunk and completely uncooperative vampire through a second-story window with two bum knees and see how goddamn sylph-like you think he is then.

And third off, when you finally get the ungrateful bastard inside and drag him down to his kitchen and try to pour enough pig's blood and coffee down his throat to sober him up before Buffy gets home, and you decide that your selfless efforts deserve a reward, and what better reward than one of the delicious pink-frosted cupcakes arranged invitingly on a platter, and the aforementioned bastard says, "There's chocolate ones in the fridge," and you are momentarily touched by this meet and proper sign of gratitude in a normally shriveled and Scroogelike heart, and you open the refrigerator, and reach in your hand, and take that glorious chocolate cupcake, and realize only after you have taken a huge bite that they are not in fact chocolate at all, no indeed, they are the special vampires-only, blood-in-the-batter-and-frosted-with-paté cupcakes, and you are spitting liver-flavored cupcake goo all over the floor while the vampire in question collapses in hysterical giggles, you realize without a shadow of a doubt that far from being tiny, Spike is quite possibly the BIGGEST ASSHOLE IN EXISTENCE.

Which is how the "I Ignite At Sunrise - Ask Me How!" came to be painted on his chest. But honestly? I have no idea how he ended up naked. He still had his pants on when I tied him to the oak tree.

Xander Harris for the defense, ladies and gentlemen. I rest my case. Now gimme a real cupcake.

 

**END**


End file.
